Always
by Karre
Summary: Jou is having a rough time dealing with a heart ache...it's the end of the world as he knows it. S/J Rated for language.


Heyla y'all! This is a sort of belated Valentine's Day Fic. As you can tell, I wasn't in a happy mood that day. So anyway  
this is bit angsty. I've aged everyone, so Jou is about 22 at this point. Oh, and just pretend this is formatted, because my  
comp is retarded and I can't seem to fix it.  
Warnings: Yaoi (S/J), Angst, Cursing, Songfic  
Feedback: Yes, please!   
Disclaimer: I don't own "Always", Saliva, or Yugioh...but I do infact own this one dollar bill! ::flourishes bill then pets it::   
My precioussssss...  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Always   
Jou sat at the edge of the pier staring into the brackish water. He sat, divining the depths of the canal,   
divining the secrets of a meaningless, hopeless…thing. He should have known. He did know actually, but he   
had disregarded all misgivings. He had wanted it that bad. What an idiot.  
  
It was nothing but a game, and he wasn't the player. Gods but it _hurt_! He'd never felt so betrayed.   
  
He'd never felt like such a betrayer. It was all so confusing! How could he not have seen it? How did  
it end up this way? How could he? "How?" he whispered. "How, Seto?"  
  
{I hear... a voice say, "Don't be so blind"...   
it's telling me all these things...   
that you would probably hide…}  
  
It was so strange, so wrong. It was so incredibly wrong. It all started with, well, he didn't know where it  
started, damn it! He had no fucking clue! He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Don't you love me? You  
said you did. You lied. And I believed you. Ever the slut, Katsuya."  
  
He felt tears gathering in his throat. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He wouldn't cry yet. First  
he had to figure out what he would cry about. He wasn't sure who he was mad at.   
  
{am I your one and only desire...   
am I the reason you breathe...   
or am I the reason you cry…}  
  
At himself? At Seto? At the whore he caught between Seto's legs? He ground his teeth and took another   
deep breath. Yeah, he was definitely mad at her, at him too. He couldn't be mad though, he shouldn't be. _He_   
had done it. Was this his punishment? His just reward?  
  
He thought back to last week. Seto had been ignoring him again and Jou could not figure out why. Though  
he probably knew why _now_, he reflected bitterly. In any case, Jou gave up trying to drag it out of Seto and went  
out to a club with Anzu and Honda. He didn't go dancing often, Seto didn't like clubs, but he wasn't bad.  
  
After a while, he was dancing with some guy and the music and drinks were getting to them all. The music was  
incredibly erotic and fast paced; he could barely keep up. Hips ground together and hands were everywhere. Finally   
they kissed. Not any sort of romantic kiss, this was a beer and adrenaline induced swapping of spit. The music was  
pounding and their hips and hands were still moving. Jou finally broke it of when he started to run his hands beneath   
Jou shirt and led Jou off to a corner to give him a hand job. When he found Honda and Anzu she was frowning at him. As they left the   
club she whispered to him, "I saw."  
{Always... always... always...   
I just can't live without you... }  
  
Maybe Anzu wasn't the only one who'd seen his indiscretion. Maybe God had seen and was now punishing   
him. Maybe. Or maybe Seto was just as much of a cheating bastard as him. Maybe that, too. The tears threatened again.  
  
{I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you…}  
  
He bit down in his lip until it bled. After that he took a calmer breath. What was he going to do now? Go back  
to Seto? He didn't think he wanted to, didn't think he could bear it anyway, even if he did. Break it off and tell him to  
go to hell? He knew it would probably kill him. He still fucking _loved_ that asshole! Jou put his aching head in his hands.  
  
{I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you…}  
  
He couldn't go back. He _wouldn't_ go back! He did have his pride, he did have his dignity…kind of.  
  
{I just can't take any more...   
this life of solitude...   
I guess that I'm out the door...   
and now I'm done with you…}  
  
So that was it. It's over, done. He finally let the tears roll down his face. _Now_ he would cry. There was no  
one around to hear him, but he wept quietly all the same. He felt loneliness well up in him and he stifled a sob. He  
wasn't alone. He has his friends, and his father, and his sister! Who cares if his mother wouldn't talk to him? He never   
liked her much anyway! That's what he told himself, it didn't help.   
  
What he really wanted was to sit in someone's lap and hold them tightly and cry into their shoulder, but there   
was no one like that.   
  
{I feel... like you don't want me around...   
I guess I'll pack all my things...   
I guess I'll see you around…}  
  
Jou forced himself to calm down again, he couldn't think properly while wallowing in self-pity. He slowly got to  
his feet and walked over to his car. Seto was probably still in Kaiba Corp. He was a little miffed that Seto hadn't   
bothered to come after him, he laughed at his own stupidity. He drove on autopilot, his mind occupied with making a list  
of things he needed to get from the Kaiba mansion. He pulled into the drive and unlocked the door.  
  
He walked slowly through the empty place; Mokuba was out, doing whatever he did with whoever he did it with.  
It felt sort of like a haunted house. Jou knew that if the kid were home and jumped out to scare him he would probably   
burst into tears. He went into Seto's room and avoided looking at the bed. He grabbed his duffle from the closet and   
opened one of the drawers, pulling out his clothes. He yanked his sneakers from under the dresser and took the novel that  
he was reading, the one that Seto had insisted he read, from the nightstand. He turned quickly and went to the kitchen.  
There he laid his key and his engagement ring on the table.  
  
He went to the front door and let himself out, refusing to look back. He threw his things in the trunk and drove off,  
fighting tears again.   
  
{Its all... been bottled up until now...   
as I walk out your door...   
all I hear is the sound…}  
As he drove he tried to decide where to go. He couldn't go stay with his sister and mother, much as he wanted to.  
His mother would never let him into the house. He could go to his father's. He would never turn Jou away, but he didn't   
approve of Jou's choice in bedmates. He doubted his old man would be so cruel as to remind him, he really did love Jou,   
but…he sighed. He just didn't know. He hadn't wanted to go back to his apartment but it looked like that was his choice.  
His apartment was nice, but a lot of people had the key, including Seto, and the phone number, it was on Seto's speed   
dial. He growled in aggravation, there was just no escaping the bastard. The apartment it was.  
  
{Always... always... always...   
I just can't live without you…}   
  
He drove in silence. He normally would have the radio on but he just wasn't in the mood. Gods, his head hurt!   
He had to pull over to the side of the road as he started to get the shakes.   
  
{I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...   
this life of solitude...   
I guess that I'm out the door...   
and now I'm done with you…}   
  
He thought about the ring he had left on the kitchen table. It seemed a bit over dramatic and trite but it was about  
time they faced the truth. When they weren't ignoring each other they were fighting, and the only time they didn't fight or   
ignore each other was when they had sex. And the sex wasn't even that good anymore. It was just desperate.  
  
{I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I left my head around your heart...   
Why would you tear my world apart…}  
  
The shaking had stopped even if the headache had yet to subside, he began driving once again.   
  
{Always... always... always…}   
  
He got to the apartment and threw his coat, bag, and keys on the kitchen table and collapsed on the couch. He lay  
quietly with his eyes closed for about fifteen minutes and thought about absolutely nothing. He was completely exhausted  
and terribly thirsty. After thinking about this for another ten minutes he got up and went into kitchen. He took his duffle and  
his jacket to put them away and something jingled and hit the floor. He bent to retrieve his keys but realized that they were   
still on the table.  
  
He searched the floor to see what had fallen. He found Seto's ring and a key to his apartment. "Bang," he   
whispered. The relationship had officially been murdered and declared dead at…he glanced at the clock…3:17.   
  
{I see... the blood all over your hands...   
does it make you feel... more like a man...   
was it all... just a part of your plan...   
the pistol's shakin' in my hands...   
and all I hear is the sound…}  
  
He began to laugh. It was so _stupid_! Everything that was ever built over the past five years had just been  
bulldozed. He laughed even harder. It was ludicrous! Looking back over those five years he could see very clearly how  
it would end. They had been dead at the starting gates. The laughter began to sound like sobs.  
  
{I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I breathe you...   
I taste you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...   
this life of solitude...   
I guess that I'm out the door...   
and now I'm done with you...   
I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I love you...   
I hate you...   
I can't live without you...   
I just can't take any more...  
this life of solitude...   
I pick myself off the floor...   
and now I'm done with you...   
Always...Always... Always…}  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Eh. I'm not sure I like it. It didn't come out like I wanted to. ::shrugs:: Please forgive me any Seto-fans I have offended,   
I didn't mean to bastardize him, I love him! He's my favorite character besides Jou! Anyway, please review and tell me  
what you think.   
~Karre 


End file.
